The Liar, the Prude, and the Shepherd's Crook

(A boy sits on a fence, staring out towards the audience in utter boredom. A shepherd’s crook sits beside him, leaning against the fence.)

BOY
Sheep… It had to be sheep… It’s not like sheep even do anything… They just stand there, and eat, and are pathetic all the time. (Pause, sighs) Stupid sheep.

(GIRL enters, pauses upon seeing BOY. She has dislike on her face as she pauses and tilts her nose to the air. She walks by him haughtily.)

BOY
That’s right, keep walking.

GIRL
I will. (Turns back to look at him with a grin.) Because I don’t have to watch the sheep. I can go do whatever I like.

BOY
(Glares at her) I can do what I want too…

GIRL
Really? I thought your father had you watching sheep.

BOY
Well, I choose to watch them. It’s a very important job, you know. Very um… regal.

GIRL
Mmmhmm… Sure. So they’ve been giving you a lot of trouble then, have they? Been fighting off a lot of predators?

BOY
I fought two bears just this morning. (She glares at him, unbelieving) No, really. My father had just left me with the sheep, and I wasn’t worried. I mean, there’s not that many of them, and I’ve got my dog Rex to help me keep them in line. So I was sitting there, minding my own business, and this bear comes up.

GIRL
(Skeptical) You must have been awfully worried.

BOY
Me? Of course not. I had my stick thing—

GIRL
Crook.

BOY
Sorry?

GIRL
It’s called a shepard’s crook. Don’t you ever listen to your dad? He calls it that. I’ve heard him. He’s always telling you off for forgetting it. Every time I see the two of you, it’s him yelling away about how you forgot your crook again.

BOY
Whatever! So I had my shepard’s crook, and I had Rex, and I was ready. Rex kept the sheep in line while I fought the bear. It was intense for a while there—wasn’t sure I’d make it to tell the truth. Thought for a minute there I was a goner… You can see where I tore my shirt during my battle for my life. (He points to a tiny tear in his shirt, near the bottom)

GIRL
(Sarcastic) How very heroic of you.

BOY
(Pretending to miss the sarcasm) It was, wasn’t it? (She rolls her eyes and starts walking past again) But that wasn’t anything compared to the second bear.

GIRL
(Still walking) Oh, and I suppose he was twice as ferocious, was he?

BOY
Well as a matter of fact—

GIRL
(Turning to look at him again. She smiles, but in a mocking way. With each question she takes a large step closer to him until she’s a few inches away, leaning nearer.) Big as a house? Pointy teeth? Sharp claws? Breath that can curdle dairy?

(They stand there, practically nose to nose. GIRL has full control of this interaction, BOY doesn’t seem to know how to respond to this.)

BOY
… Yes? (With more confidence) I mean, yes. Yes it was. But I defeated it. Umm… (He is very uncomfortable that she is this close) With one hand behind my back. (He takes a large step backwards, away from her, so that she can see him hold up one of his hands for demonstration and place it behind his back.)

GIRL
Is that so? (He nods)

BOY
‘Course it is.

GIRL
(Folds arms) You’re a liar.

BOY
I’m not going to justify that with a response.

GIRL
Mostly because you don’t have one. (She starts to walk away again)

BOY
Wait… Don’t leave yet. I… (he realizes something) Hang on… Where are you going anyway?

GIRL
What do you mean?

BOY
Well it’s not like this is on the way to anything…

GIRL
It is so. It’s on the way to your house, isn’t it?

BOY
Well yeah, but why… (Awkward pause) You were coming to see me?

(GIRL laughs)

GIRL
Well, obviously. (BOY doesn’t say anything but is pleased. GIRL makes a face.) Well not you, I mean. You and your dad. I need more wool for my mom’s birthday present.

BOY
(Embarrassed and annoyed at misunderstanding her intentions) Well why not just buy it with everyone else at the market?

GIRL
Your dad said if I came by your house today I could have some of the extra.

BOY
Well why’d he say that?

GIRL
How should I know, it’s your dad.

BOY
You must have gotten the time wrong. He’s not home today. He’s already left for the market. You’ll have to come back later.

GIRL
He said he’d leave it on the porch in a bag for me. (Pause, then tauntingly) He was going to ask you to bring it, but I said you’d just forget anyway.

BOY
What are you making?

GIRL
I don’t think that’s any of your business. (Pause) I better go. Some of us have more important things to do with our time than hanging out with sheep all day.

BOY
Right, like knitting is so much more important than being a shepherd. I valiantly defend the lives of my flock while you sit around giggling with your friends.

GIRL
At least I have friends. All you have is some sheep and a dog.

BOY
I’d rather talk to them than you any day.

(She glares at him, then stalks off-stage. He’s angry at her too, but as she disappears off-stage it is clear he’s debating about saying something. He finally jumps off the fence just as she exits and shouts)

BOY
Wait! Don’t you want to—will you just wait a second? Come back, will you?

(GIRL does not reenter and BOY kicks the dirt in annoyance.)

BOY
Stupid girl… Stupid job. Why do I need to watch the sheep anyway? This is stupid… And she didn’t have to… (He sits back on the fence for a moment, bored almost immediately. It is clear a plot is forming in his head as he looks around nervously.) Just once… Just so she’ll come back. It’s just so boring… One more time can’t hurt. I mean, I know what Dad said but… Just this once… (He takes a deep breath) Help! Help! There’s a wolf! It’s getting the sheep! Somebody help me!

(GIRL runs back on stage, looks around, sees there is no disturbance and turns furiously to BOY. )

GIRL
Why you stupid boy! There’s no wolf.

BOY
(Grinning) ‘Course there’s not. Don’t you suppose if there was a wolf I could handle it? I mean, after those grizzlies I fought earlier.

GIRL
I’m telling your dad.

BOY
No, wait! I just meant… Thanks for coming. If there was a wolf, I mean.

GIRL
But there’s not.

BOY
But if there was…

GIRL
Which there isn’t.

BOY
Then thanks, I guess. (Pause as she glares at him) I don’t see why you’re mad. What would you have done to stop a wolf anyway?

GIRL
I wasn’t going to do anything. I just wanted to watch it eat you.

BOY
Now who’s the liar?

GIRL
I was. I was going to watch it tear you apart for being such a stupid, lying—

BOY
What about the sheep? You wouldn’t have let it eat the sheep would you?

GIRL
Oh… Well I like the sheep.

BOY
Right. And the wolf would eat them.

GIRL
(She considers this) All right, I would have saved the sheep.

BOY
And since I’m watching the sheep you’d have to save me too.

GIRL
Nope, I’d use your death as a distraction to get the sheep away. You’re pretty puny, though, so it might not be enough time to get them all to safety. Rex would help me, though.

BOY
He would not! Rex would help me fight the wolf!

GIRL
Nope. He’s like me. If he’s got to save someone, it’s going to be the innocent animals, not the lying, wanna-be shepherd.

BOY
(Angry) I’m not a… Don’t you call me a… Oh, go fall in a well, will you?

GIRL
It’d certainly be better than being here.

BOY
Well no one’s stopping you from leaving.

GIRL
Clearly if I walk away you’re just going to make up stories. (Pause, grins as she has a revelation) I bet you’re afraid to be out here by yourself. (laughs) I bet that’s why you’re such a liar all the time!

BOY
I’m not afraid!

GIRL
(Ignoring him, GIRL grinning) That’s it, isn’t it! You’re afraid of being attacked by some wild animal—and I mean, rightfully so. There’s a lot of stuff that could eat you out here. Bears, wolves… And here you are with a full-blown meal for them.

BOY
I am not afraid!

GIRL
So you’re out here, probably shaking in your boots and I just happened to be walking by… No wait! That’s why I was walking by, wasn’t it? (Laughs) Because you’re scared to be out here by yourself. I bet your dad wanted me to pick up the wool so I’d have to run into you. I bet he knew you were scared.

BOY
I am not scared!

GIRL
I thought you were pathetic before, but now? Not only are you a liar, you’re a coward!

BOY
I’m not afraid of anything!

(There is a loud snap like a twig being broken off stage. BOY jumps, visibly startled, and GIRL laughs.)

GIRL
My hero.

BOY
Oh, be quiet. It just surprised me, that’s all.

GIRL
It’s probably just a rabbit, and here you are, white as a ghost.

BOY
(He recovers quickly) Rabbit? Please. (His voice gets softer and more intense the longer he speaks, building tension. GIRL is listening intently.) It’s probably a hungry wolf who has been cast out from its pack. It’s probably inching closer right now, trying to decide the right angle. It doesn’t want to mess with Rex—he’s a pretty fierce attack dog, you know, when he needs to be. Not all fluff and tumble. No… This wolf is looking for an easy meal. He’s coming closer, and closer—

(There is another, louder snap. GIRL is startled this time and jumps closer to boy.)

BOY
(BOY grins and leans back on his fence) Now who’s the coward?

GIRL
(Straightening huffily) I’m not a coward, I’m sensible. If there’s noise, it’s better to be alert than lounging on a fence. I think you forget sometimes how dangerous it can be out here.

BOY
I don’t forget, I’m just not worried.

GIRL
(Dryly) Right… Because of your powerful fighting skills with your “stick thing.”

BOY
Right.

GIRL
Yeah, well just you wait. Some day there really is going to be a wolf and you’re going to be stuck here by yourself.

BOY
Like I’m so much better off if I’ve got a delicate little girl here to help me.

GIRL
(Trying to remain serious) When you call for help no one’s going to believe you. Then what are you going to do?

BOY
Fight the wolf single-handedly, obviously. I figure it’ll only take a few minutes.

GIRL
You’re impossible.

BOY
Relax, okay? There’s no wolf.

GIRL
Not yet. But someday—

BOY
Yes, someday if you wish really hard maybe one will eat me, but until then—

GIRL
I wouldn’t wish for it to… I don’t want it to…

BOY
Kidding… I was kidding.

GIRL
… I know. (Pause) But it’s not like this is a new thing. Last time you called wolf and the whole town came running. Did you notice what’s different this time? (BOY stares at her but won’t answer, so she answers herself.) No one came. No one even popped over to make sure you were okay.

BOY
(Quietly) You did.

GIRL
(Angrily) And you can see how glad I am that I fell for it, can’t you?  

BOY
There was no one else nearby.

GIRL
Yeah there was. Someone must have heard. On a nice day like today? Someone was out here and they heard you call for help. But they didn’t go for help. They didn’t even come themselves.

BOY
So what?

GIRL
So you’re going to get eaten by a wolf.

BOY
Whatever. It’s bad enough I have to sit here with sheep all day. The least you could do is not make me suffer through a lecture too.

GIRL
I thought being a shepherd was “regal.”

BOY
It stinks, okay? In more ways than one.

GIRL
But—

BOY
This is what you wanted, right? You wanted me to sit here and realize that no one believes me anymore, and to realize that I’m not strong like my dad, and I probably would get eaten by a wolf if one came. So I’ve got it, thanks for the update.

GIRL
I didn’t mean—

BOY
I get it, okay? You’re bored, and you’ve got nothing better to do than to try and freak me out. And afterwards you’re going to go off and back to your house, all safe and cozy, and I’ll be out here hoping nothing eats me.

(BOY stares at ground, seemingly worried, and GIRL frowns, feeling guilty)

GIRL
I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to—

(BOY looks up at her and grins. GIRL is furious.)

BOY
Man you’re easy. Barely had to bat an eye lash and you’re falling over yourself with an apology.

GIRL
Why you awful—I hope a wolf eats you. That would teach you! (She storms off stage before he can respond. He’s taken by surprise by her sudden exit.)

BOY
(Delayed) Oh yeah? Well I hope you… (She’s long gone. He sighs, looks off into distance.) I guess it doesn’t really matter now, does it? Just once I wish I could… (He’s looks out towards the audience, presumably where his flock was) Wait… Where are the sheep? (He jumps off fence and scans horizon.) Oh no… No, that wasn’t supposed to… (He runs towards off-stage, opposite where GIRL exited, shouting as he goes and leaving the shepherd’s crook on stage.) WOLF! WOLF! Please, somebody help me! The wolf’s getting the sheep! Please, somebody help! Wolf!

GIRL
(From off-stage) Yeah, right. Like I’d fall for that again.

(BOY continues to shout from off-stage until his voice fades away. A moment of silence, and then GIRL slowly re-enters, looking around cautiously.)

GIRL
If you’re really that desperate for me to stay, I guess I can… (sees stage is empty) Hello? (No answer) If you’re hiding, I’ll kill you. (Looks around stage for him) Where are you? (Sees shepherd’s crook still leaning against fence and smiles, relieved.) You forgot your crook again. That foiled your plan, didn’t it? No one thinks your stupid enough to walk off without it. (Pause, waits for him to jump out at her, nothing happens.) Then again… (She scans the horizon for him and spots something a ways off, the same place that he saw his flock had moved. Her smile is gone, her relief is gone, and she seems to be trying to decide what to do. She looks over at the shepherd’s crook.) Why you stupid boy! (She grabs the shepherd’s crook and runs off stage after him.)

(Lights out)